Inbetween the worlds

As some of you may know, I first came to Canada about 2.5 years ago to go to school and get out of my bubble. When I went home after my first year living in Toronto, I experienced a very unexpected reverse culture shock, which was almost more "shocking" than the original Canadian one. First, it took me a while to revert back to my mother tongue (and that's after 17 years of speaking it!). Inability of my brain to recall the words such as plate, elevator, heels, etc. in any language other than English was a bit puzzling for me, as well as for those watching me struggle through a simple sentence. Secondly, the visual appearances of the people were an unexpected site too. Finding your "baby"-brother being 2 inches taller than you is ... yeah. Guess who gets to hold the remote now...

But what surprised me the most was a change in my relationships with the people. When I left the place where my life was, I subconsciously expected the world (or at least my world) to stop spinning for that year, so I can pick up right where I left off once I get back. Well guess what! Never happened! Life went on, people were growing up, graduating, getting married. And I was not a part of that life anymore. I know that it probably makes perfect sense, but to me that revelation came like a tidal wave that ruined my world. Nothing was the same, and I was torn between dwelling on the nostalgic used-to-be's and trying to recoup and build new castles. Don't get me wrong, the friends were still there, my mom still lectured me on wearing a sweater in the evenings, grandma still made my breakfast... But something was different. The dynamics of life changed, and not being a part of this progressive change I couldn't quite put my finger on what exactly has changed and had a miserable time trying to catch on.

It's been a while since then. I grew to realize and accept that the show must go on, no matter where or who is watching it. But here's a problem. People say that home is where the heart is. So where is the heart? I always thought that the heart is where family/friends are. Doesn't work like that anymore. A part of me is there, going for late night walks with my mom, sitting with a few old friends around the bonfire, playing guitar and eating baked potatoes, staring at the stars all night long and making up excuses for each others moms to why we never called after midnight. Another part is here, lost in the insanity of university and dorm life, meeting new people, developing new friendships that over the last couple of years became just as meaningful. So where is home? Though I still do think of our good old apartment with the view on the river as home, I realize more and more, that the fuzzier this image becomes and a new one (RUC and my place here for the moment) gets clearer, the more I grow apart with the teenage years friends and develop deeper relationshis here, the more difficult it will be to say where the home is.